there was something in my mind..
and somethings that i came to realise when i couldn't fall asleep last night..

human nature is some thing so scary..
jealousy and trust is something that is crucial to a relationship..
and why there are murder case like the husband killed their wife or vice verse,
its all the doing of jealousy..

yes..
i am jealous...
cause what happened last night..
the immediate thoughts that came to my mind was..
was she like this when she was with that ex of hers..

i just duno how much i mean to her..
i noe she dun have the time...
i noe she tried hard..

bud how much time does it take a person to tell their love one that they love them in a text.
just a few seconds..
i noe i'm being selfish...
bud who is not..
other than those noble person who were legends..

however,
i'm just a normal guy..
i'm not saint,
some small little things actually mean a lot..

and that small little things doesn't takes up a lot of time..
its just depend on whether u are willing to make that effort to do so.

and i've realise..
the more i grab onto something tightly,
the more it hurts when things goes wrong..

i noe she is gonna get upset when she visit this blog and saw this post..
but its better than bottling up and not letting her noe how i feel..
i noe she dun have the time to tell me how she feel..
all i need is her to be understanding..
and not get upset when i'm upset because of small things..
thats because i dun wan to lose her..
i'm just concern and worried about her..
is that even wrong for me to do so?
dun i have the right to get upset?
i may have over reacted..

thats y i realised that...
i shouldn't grab onto this relationship so tightly.
i should learn to let go of somethings which is beyond my control..

sometimes,
i just feel that,
its all my fault..
because of my selfishness..
we got tgt at the wrong time..
i'm a distraction..
i just wan u to do well for ur studies.
have a better future...

i'm sorry baby!
i do love u a lot..
everytime i think of u..
my heart aches so badly.
and i'm always fighting and struggling to hold back my tears..
the love i have for u is can't be measured..
its more than i have exprienced.

PS: to readers, nothing happened to us.. its just my thoughts, just like what i've said, this blog is just a place for me to dump my negative feelings and thoughts.
and to my baby!
if u happen to read this,
dun think so much..
dun feel upset or anything...
if not i have to lock up this blog.

left 5:48 PM

last night,
baby's stomach was in pain,
so she went to took a rest..
without telling me..

and i was worried sick about her..
so i have the right to be upset..
and when i'm upset,
she get upset..

and when i tink back,
when i did something without telling her,
she gets upset and i'm not..
wad does this mean?

i am supposed to report to her..
and not she is not?

all i wan is her to inform me that she is going to take a rest or something,
rather than MIA for awhile,
den came back telling me wad she did..
i'll would have an heart attack by then..
worry something might happen..

or should i say,
i shouldn't care so much about her?

this kind of feeling feel so sucky..
i couldn't fall asleep when i'm tired..
my mind was thinking and thinking...
*sigh*

i guess,
i should care less..

PS: to my friends that visits my blog, the reason why its emo is because i dump every unhappy feelings here..

left 11:56 AM

WOOT!!
guess what day is today?

ITS....

OUR 2nd MONTHSARY!!!

gonna meet her later..

hope she is not giving me anything lar..


cause.. hahas..

u noe..

any way i dun tink will be receiving things from her until her exams over..

cause she is busy studying right now..

preparing for her exams..

so i'm gonna stand by her..

giving her my support..

though every night i always fall asleep while on the phone..

sorry baby!

any way, gonna go back to work now..

HAPPY 2nd MONTHSARY BABY!! XD

left 9:00 AM

i have been thinking about us..

my heart cant help but ache..

my tears cant help but roll down..

i felt so useless...

i can't help..

i been thinking..

am i the right now for u??

can i give u a better future?

i duno...

sometimes i just feel..

if she is not gonna help herself..

in what position can i help...

there is not way i can help...

and regarding her msn pm...

i'm not gonna care about it...

and i'm not gonna ask about it..

cause i been thinking...

if she wants to tell me..

she will...

bud if she dun...

there is not point asking her about it..

*sigh*

things have been going through my mind...

a lot of thinking...

thats y i hate to use my brain because of this reason...

everytime i start to think...

its always negative...

dammit!

left 10:53 PM

DAMN!!!

i'm having a bad week!

nothing goes right...

firstly, Kanna fine by NEA!!
300 bucks fly off..

Secondly,
i Freaking fail my TP!!!
which i tot can pass!!
everything went smoothly..

bud he just dun give me chance on my minor mistake...
and once again my demerit point reach 40!

BLOODY HELL!!
the tester was very friendly..
very good..
dun feel nervous when he is beside..

just blame on my poor judgement and slow reaction!!

in total..
i'm gonna say goodbye to 800 bucks..

CONCLUSION!!!
i'm FREAKING BROKE RIGHT NOW!!!

left 12:52 PM

*sigh*
i have been wondering and thinking..
what is happening between us..
i really duno what went wrong..

last night,
baby told me she was thinking about it too..
den i told her how i feel..
she told me hers..
though nothing happen..
but my heart aches like mad..
tears starts to fall..

i really wish this relationship will never come to an end.
i have been thinking about our future..

*sigh*

i guess we just got together at the wrong time..
the time whereby she needs to prepare for A's..
i'm always a failure when it comes to maintaining a relationship..

anyway,
i'm gonna let this blog rot..

left 10:45 AM

somethings just happened..
things doesn't feel right..

it seems to have changed..

now i began to wonder...

*sigh*

she is having holiday..
bud doesn't seems lyk one..

its weird..
that we din talk much when its her holiday..
i noe she is busy..
its time for me to keep my mind occupied.


so that i wun keep on thinking...
missing..
doing or say stupid stuff..

left 6:30 PM

saturday,
went to baby's house..
accompany her while she is studying..
however,
i'm the one sleeping...
after that, went to visit her god sister who just gave birth to a baby boy.
the baby boy is very cute..
hahas..
so both of them had a good catch up.
after that we went off to amk hub for dinner..
had dinner at pepper lunch.
was damn pai seh..
cause i din have enough cash with me..
and baby dun allow me to go withdraw money.
cause she keep saying that she owe me money..
*faint*
my money is equal to her money..
so she doesn't owe me any money.
after dinner, sent her home before i headed home..
while i'm on my way home..
i was thinking..
and thats how my private message comes from.

if u love somebody,
his/her past doesn't concern us.
so there is no point thinking of their past..
we should cherish and treasure the present..
and look forward to the future..
cause the past no longer exist..
it will only remain as a faint memory within us..

so after i reached home..
i wanted to stay up and wait for baby to finish studying..
bud guess wad..
i fell asleep on the sofa..
damn!
why do i keep falling asleep..
*Sigh*

Sunday,
received a call from baby in the morning..
and the funny thing is that..
its sunday,
and baby asked me,
why u haven wake up..
den she suddenly say..
oh ya.. its sunday hor..
hahas...
my silly baby is so adorable..
as usual,
i'll be at baby's house...
in the end i fall asleep on her bed again...
i'm such a pig..
slept for around 11 hours..
and still i continue sleeping...
*sigh*
baby was vex over something..
her da jie took leave and wanted to go japan to visit her er jie.
so she asked if she and her mum wanted to go..
bud baby can't..
cause her exams are near.
so her dad told her mum that her mum cannot go if baby is not going..
so her mum suggest her to go over to her grandma house to stay while her mum go oversea.
it hurts me to see her like this..
having problems one after another..
i noe she is tired..
around 8 plus..
i went home..
when i reached home around 12 plus..
i was on the phone with baby..
bud my bed was too comfortable..
that i fell asleep..
and i was on the phone like half awake..
damn!
i'm sorry baby!

ps: baby, i just want to let u noe..
no matter wad..
i'll never leave u for another girl..
so dun ever tink of that any more.
and i'll always be there when ur down..
always looking for ways to cheer u up..
i'm sorry if i can't help..
i'm sorry if i add problems to u..

left 8:21 AM

seriously..

i'm too crazy over her..

i just can't stop thinking/missing her every lil sec.
just couldn't stop looking at my phone..
wondering when will i receive a text from her...

all these is way beyond my control..
i cant focus when i'm working..
i cant have fun when i'm playing..

cause i'll always be thinking of her..

left 5:22 PM

LOST..

standing on a cross road.
does not have a single clue of where i'm heading.
or even where my destination is..
so i asked myself.
what do i want?

all i wan is get back on track.
and continue the journey that i'm walking right now..

idk what i'm thinking..
idk what i'm doing..

somehow,
my soul is wandering else where..

leaving this empty shell behind.

move like a wind.
come and go as and when they like.
that trouble free life.
is what i like.

doesn't have to think of stuff which i shouldn't think..
doesn't have to make a decision...
doesn't have to vex over stuff..

just like a heavy weigh have been lifted from me.
feel so light..

roaming around the world alone.
leaving my footsteps everywhere.

just wanna be alone...

left 11:45 AM

LOVE. BETRAYAL.

suddenly, it came to my mind.
this phrase " to love some one, it takes a lot of courage"
in the past,
i dun get wad it means.
but now,
i get to noe how it feels.

and i'm a guy who gets jealous easily..
so when she talked about her ex..
no matter which ex is she talking about..
i just feel jealous..
jealousy always never fail to control over me..

when will i ever stop being such a perfectionist?
when?

my greatest fear..
is afraid of losing her..
i have been thinking..
what will happen if she leaves me for another guy..
i noe that will never happen, bud life is unpredictable.
i kept thinking, when i'm enlisted..
will she ever betray my love for her..
the answer right now is no.. she wun..
bud lyk i've said..
life is unpredictable..
i've heard stories of girlf running away with another guy while the guy is serving for the country.
i'm so afraid that it will happen...
thats the fear i have..

i noe she wun leave me...
bud, i'm lyk this..
pessimistic...
just let me be..

left 11:30 PM

its been a long time since i last post..
sorry to those who visit my blog..
and it means good news when i nv blog..
cause my blog is a place where i dump all my unhappy stuff.

hmmm...
went to baby's house yesterday..
OH MY GOD!!
I thought she wun have the time to make card and stuff..
and guess what..
in de end she made a card and got me a ear piece!!!
heng i nv go buy ear piece..
if not baby's gift will be wasted.

when there is a first month,
there will always be others to come..
next aim.
first year! =X

okay..
mayb 6 monthsary ..
hahas..
alright..
i'm crapping already..
i am gonna be damn busy..
got lots of work to do.

gotta go!

CIAOS!

left 12:12 PM